Does Chronic People Pleasing Wear You Out?

Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Can you not rest until everyone else around you is fed, conflict-free, healed, and happy?

If so, I have two important questions for you -- when is it your turn? and who takes care of you?

Many of my generational peers were taught that pleasing others should be the main goal of our lives. We were led to expect it to bring us extreme happiness, if not heavenly brownie points.

Even in the active feminist era, when it appeared that taking our power and achieving equality meant caring only about ourselves, many of us never let go of the guilt that came with doing so. Those early indoctrinations by our Leave It To Beaver mothers were well ingrained.

And now, here you are at mid-life -- worn out, ticked off, wanting more for yourself, and unsure where to start.

Here's are some coaching suggestions for you:

• Think of yourself as your own best friend, or as a two people at once: the wise older self and the novice younger self.
  

• Give this aspect of yourself a separate name so she becomes real and valued to you.
  

• Make all your decisions about how you spend your energy according to what your best self-friend or younger self needs.

• Prioritize your time and resources to give first to your best self-friend / younger self before your day gets consumed with others (yes, even including kids and spouses and your mother). Make appointments with her, and keep them no matter what.

• Strengthen your resistance to being The Answer for everyone else's needs. Remember that the more you do for others, the more it robs them of the skills of self-sufficiency.

• Practice saying No, and having a preference, even if it's for paper instead of plastic. Own your right to have things the way you'd like them to be, for a change.

If this is harder for you than it sounds, it may be time for counseling or coaching. I'd recommend trying out these self-coaching suggestions on your own for a month, and if you aren't pleasing yourself as much as others yet, put yourself more focused plan with an experienced guide. Good luck!

Are You Suffering From TMI Paralysis?

TMI -- Too Much Information. It's one thing to gather the facts you need to know the choices you have. It quite another to drown in tangential and irrelevant material.

But how can you know when enough is enough? Start with becoming aware of what process will work best for you.

If you tend to be more intuitive than logical, tune in to your inner sense of when you know all you need.

• Seek out the feeling or sensation or inner knowing that you've hit upon the right amount, or the best direction. Then stop the gathering.

If you prefer a goal-oriented approach, start with being clear about the end result you want -- what's your purpose for gathering information? What decision needs to be made with it? What factors do you need to learn about in order to make that decision or move in the direction of the desired result?

• Search for info to fit your criteria, then stop when start seeing the same advice more than once.

If a preponderance of evidence approach works best for you, start with a pro and con list. You might frame it this way: If I find 5 pieces of info in favor and 3 pieces against, the pros win.

• Set your criteria for what constitutes a pro and a con, do your search, and stop gathering when you reach your pre-set number.

If you have a different process, I'd love to hear about it. Oh, yeah, there's another method right there -- asking others what they know or do. Then have a way to determine if that method would work for you.

Autumn Equinox: What's Your Harvest?

If you think about it, Nature provides us with a kind of coaching rhythm.

• Get new things planted in the spring
• Nurture their growth in the summer
• Harvest their fruits in the fall
• Rest and re-assess through the winter

Some talk of the spring and fall equinoxes as days of balance because of the solar phenomenon of equal amounts of light and darkness on these days. I prefer to be in mind of what I'm sowing and what I'm reaping.

Take a moment right now to think back on what you were giving your energy around last March 20th. What hopes were you sending out into the world? What projects had you recently begun? What new habits were still starting to sprout?

The Autumnal Equinox (Sept 22 or 23 in the Northern Hemisphere, depending on your location -- the 22nd at 2:25 pm for me) is a day that has been marked since ancient times as a celebration of the harvest before the year turns towards winter's harsh deprivations. It's a day to ask yourself these questions:

• Did your actions manifest or contribute to manifesting what you hoped for?
• Have your projects produced sweet or bitter fruit?
• Is it time to end a habit, a relationship, a fruitless effort and move on?
  

On the day of harvest, what are you harvesting for your life? Is it enough to sustain you through the lean times? Will it bring you joy and light in the darkness to come? If not, what seeds of knowledge and wisdom can you take from your experience?

4 Excuses for Hiding in Your Comfort Zone

1. You're Too Tired / Don't Have the Energy

While this might only be a result of Party Hardy syndrome, it may also be a sign of grief or a mood disorder. Lack of interest in the world around you, in things that you used to find enjoyable, in spending time with friends, are actually symptoms of depression.

If you're experiencing an emotionally based fatigue more days than not for several months at a time, talk to a knowledgeable specialist about the best way for you to change this situation.

And if it's just a matter of not getting enough sleep, see my website for the flier on 50 Alternatives to Pharmaceutical Medications for Better Sleep.


2. You Can't Afford It / Don't Have the Money

You're not alone in this one, but not everything that's worth doing costs money. Many volunteer opportunities exist in every community that will introduce you to new people, new activities, new skills, and new experiences.

Hey you're already on the internet right now. How about checking out MeetUps in your area, or do a Google search for activities to join this week.


3. You Might Not Like Something New

True, but then again, you might surprise yourself. When I hear this excuse I hear a defense mechanism against a fear of being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed -- again.

Take an honest inventory of your history of trying something new. What happened? Even in the times you did get hurt, disappointed or embarrassed, what did you learn about yourself? How did it shape your character?

Then think about what you need to do or have with you that will reduce your chances of being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed this time.


4. You're Really Shy / Don't Have Anyone to Go With

I agree, this is often a harder reason to overcome the inertia of staying where you are. Shyness can be quite debilitating. But the question is, are you willing to give your life over to this one emotion?.

Whether we're talking about not having a social life, not attending a festival or education program, not volunteering in your community, or not envisioning living in a new town or part of the country, you don't have to let shyness or stag status control the chance to experience a fuller life.

I recommend making an action plan for taking tiny risks in safe ways to interact with strangers, lend a helping hand to a neighbor, attend a workshop or book reading, and just start getting yourself out of the mindset and habits of shyness.