Corrosion of Shame Leads to Self-Sabotage

Recently I heard someone argue for shaming a client into having the motivation to be accountable. This was justified as a coach's responsibility to be honest in ways that friends won't or can't be.

This advocate equates confrontation with using a tactic of shaming. Then disavowed responsibility for inflicting intentional emotional damage by claiming that shame is not an action but rather a perception that lies in the eye of the perceiver.

This, folks, is an argument that suggests a personality disorder.

It's a position that terribly misguided parents consciously or unconsciously hold that leads to manipulation and disempowerment of their children at best, and potentially severe, life long psychological impairment.

The consequences of being subjected to what psychologists call a shaming environment is directly tied to learned habits of self-sabotage. Our view of reality and interpersonal dynamics gets drastically skewed when subjected to being shamed.

Shame robs us of our emotional and spiritual bearings. We get mired in believing we are irredeemably flawed.

It steals our sense of being good enough. It drives us into dysfunctional and paralyzing perfectionism. Or worse, it creates the need to self-medicate away the pain with alcohol and other drugs, food, escapist or risky behaviors, and toxic relationships and religions.

Although this may be a tactic still used by drill sergeants in military boot camp, no self-respecting coach, therapist, or parent would intentionally shame someone into their idea of compliance.

Just like arsenic is not a culinary seasoning, shame is not a coaching tool.

If you have a coach, therapist, teacher, parent, or partner in your life who uses shaming tactics to get you to agree with them or change who you are, it's time to tell them you won't accept their attitudes and behaviors any longer.

If you are suffering from shame, there's likely a small child inside of you who needs your fierce protection. The way out of the corrosion of shame is to take back your power.

3 Approaches to Taking Advantage of a Setback

Sometimes I think we resist when we should surrender, and we go with the flow when we should take more control. It's like somehow our sense of right action with right timing is backwards.

This backwardness, I think, is part of what makes the unexpected setback so devastating to so many people.

As a coaching challenge, the question is: What if you could take a different approach to setbacks? What might be three ways to take advantage when an unexpected situation arises?

The Stop, Drop and Roll Approach

Yes, I know, that's the advice for when your clothing has caught on fire. But it applies here, I think. When a setback strikes, what if you:

• stop trying to do things the way we've always done them,
  
• drop back a step or two to get the bigger picture of what's newly possible, and then
  
• roll in the direction the energy is already moving?

The Lemonade Approach

You know, as in, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Setbacks are often unsweetened, acidic, and souring to the normalcy of accustomed daily routines. What if you:

• add some sugar -- which might be in the form of more time, less spending, more self-care, less pressure, etc
• stir until blended -- meaning, mix new resources and techniques into daily life until habituated
• drink until satisfied -- that is, let this new approach become a sweeter way of life

The Fly Around the Dragon Approach

Okay, yes, that's a Harry Potter Tri-Wizard champion reference. A setback can be like a great big, fire breathing obstacle between you and the golden egg of your goals. It's scary and fierce, and liable to bite you in two ('cause you is crunchy and good with ketchup. LOL). But what if you follow Harry's approach:

• accio Firebolt -- that is, access your best natural talent, and jump on with extreme gusto
  
• keep your eye on the prize -- meaning, despite distractions, don't lose sight of your goals
• stay on your broom -- which is your action plan, because moving forward is what works, being still is fatal
• course correct as needed -- small necessary changes can get you closer to success with less danger
  
• don't give in to fear -- operate on instinct and solid learning without second guessing yourself
  

Varieties of Self-Sabotage

Are you aware of how many ways you have of sabotaging yourself? Ever given this a thought?

I haven't taken a count lately, but I bet most of us have a kind of mental / emotional / behavioral backpack full of self-sabotaging habits. As I think back over the years of coaching and counseling clients to release worry, let go of guilt and shame, re-purpose stress, and achieve greater happiness and bigger goals, I've seen an infinite variety of very creative ways that we all shoot ourselves in the foot from time to time. The ones I've seen most often are:

• impulsively reacting on an emotion without thinking it through or getting more information
• clinging to destructive ideas of pride or honor, and needing to be "right" about your view of "reality"
  
• making unilateral decisions that effect others without making them aware of your perception that a problem or need exists, and the things you considered before reaching the decision
• conversely, asking permission and taking advice from too many different people before having a clear idea of what goal you are trying to achieve for yourself
  
• letting emotion dictate thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, perceptions, and behaviors
• allowing fear of rejection or disapproval persuade you into withdrawing requests for what you need and want
  
• going to the wrong well when trying to get your needs met -- some wells are dry, or filled with unhealthy water
• indulging fears and illusions by both giving up too early and hanging on too long

Do you find any of your favorite forms of self-sabotage in this list?

Often our own personal growth can only occur when we take some risks. The first step in a growth process is to take the risk of seeing yourself clearly -- what commitments do you keep to yourself and others, and how can you do better? Hold yourself accountable to self-growth, instead of being run by self-sabotage.

The second step is to take the risk of doing one thing differently today and tomorrow and the next day -- identify your favorite or most frequently used sabotaging habit, and do the opposite for a growthful change.

There's nothing more freeing and empowering than taking the small risks that help move your forward toward your goals, whether those goals are in personal life, in business, or in relationships.

So tell me, what will you commit to doing differently today?

The Beauty of Confrontation

Show of hands -- how many of you prefer to avoid confrontation? Even when you hear the word, it makes you nervous, your heart starts to race, your palms get sweaty, you can feel your muscles contract, and you become hypervigilant and look for the exit? Where's the beauty in that, you may be thinking?

To confront means to face in challenge, to encounter. But many of us experience it as meaning, to argue, to fight, to get bullied or wounded, to barely survive a lose-lose or lose-win situation in which we expect to get hurt. Because the psyche serves to keep us safe at all costs, the natural tendency is to run from confrontation. Unfortunately the cost gets very high if by avoiding challenging encounters we seldom get our needs met.

Over a lifetime of having stronger personalities confront us in ways that have been threatening or hurtful, we've probably never learned the skills of confronting others about what we don't like and what we want instead in a direct, non-violent, and elegant manner.

This lack of skill creates a lot of passive aggressive or stubbornly self-sabotaging behavior as we try to get our needs met.

Recently I've been looking at the Center for Non-Violent Communication's model for elegant confrontation. There is calm and centered beauty in it's two simple parts: empathic listening and honestly expressing. For both parts, the NVC way is to observe without defensive judgment, to hear / speak objectively about feelings and needs, before entertaining / making a reasonable request for a change.

Another way of saying this is to stand gently in your own truth -- to walk in beauty through the fear of sharing how you feel and asking for what you want. Confrontation can be a gift of commitment to yourself, and to a difficult relationship.

Living the beauty of non-violent confrontation is to be living in trust. It's a growing trust in our own abilities to recover from others' inelegant responses, and an allowing of faith in the fact that they have their own feelings, needs, hurts and fears they struggle with as well.

How might you stand gently in your truth and walk in beauty through your fear today?

A Key to Undoing Self-Sabotage

How's your life going? Got everything flowing smoothly? Getting everything you want or expect from all the effort you're making?

No? Hmmm. When we feel like we're spinning our wheels, hitting a glass ceiling, or running into roadblocks, we need to step back and take a hard critical look at three factors:

• what specifically is not working the way we think is should
• how are our own actions, thoughts, beliefs, or feelings getting in the way
  
• where exactly do we have leverage (opportunity+control) for making something shift

From a coaching perspective, self-sabotage is simply the application of the least effective tool or process for the desired goal. It's not a moral failing; it's just being in a pattern that isn't working.

But before we can assess the three critical factors, the key to undoing self-sabotage is to let go of all attachment to continuing to do things the way we've always done them. And the attachment to any belief that if we just keep doing what we've always done that someday, somehow, something will magically change.

You know the definition of crazy?

Doing the same thing that doesn't work over and over and over again, and expecting a different result.

Why be stuck in crazy when a little coaching can provide you with new tools, help you customize new processes, and give you enthusiastic support to get your life flowing smoothly, and get back on track for getting what you want.