2 Forms of Confidence Erosion

The other night President Obama talked about timidity passing for wisdom. That got me thinking.

How many times have you talked yourself into waiting, or taking a smaller step forward than you could? Was it a wise choice, or simply avoidance prompted by lack of real self-confidence?

Procrastination and an over-abundance of caution erode self-confidence. Confidence -- rather than being a prerequisite -- is the outcome of taking risks. If you make a habit of timidity, your confidence evaporates.

Real wisdom is nurtured by gaining new knowledge that only experimenting and seeing what happens can provide.

Another form of confidence erosion comes about when we keep doing the same thing over and over again, achieving poor or no results, but expecting something different.

While persistence is a very important quality for success, disappointment that comes from repeatedly failing in your efforts will be quite destructive to your sense of confidence.

Failure in itself is not terrible. It's simply a piece of feedback that another approach, new skills, different resources, or other help, etc, is needed.

Practical wisdom is gained by evaluating what worked, what didn't, and designing a new plan to maximize the one and minimize the other.

Knowing that timidity, procrastination, cautious avoidance, repetitive disappointment are the prescription for eroding self-confidence, what will you change today to gain real, practical wisdom instead?

Corrosion of Shame Leads to Self-Sabotage

Recently I heard someone argue for shaming a client into having the motivation to be accountable. This was justified as a coach's responsibility to be honest in ways that friends won't or can't be.

This advocate equates confrontation with using a tactic of shaming. Then disavowed responsibility for inflicting intentional emotional damage by claiming that shame is not an action but rather a perception that lies in the eye of the perceiver.

This, folks, is an argument that suggests a personality disorder.

It's a position that terribly misguided parents consciously or unconsciously hold that leads to manipulation and disempowerment of their children at best, and potentially severe, life long psychological impairment.

The consequences of being subjected to what psychologists call a shaming environment is directly tied to learned habits of self-sabotage. Our view of reality and interpersonal dynamics gets drastically skewed when subjected to being shamed.

Shame robs us of our emotional and spiritual bearings. We get mired in believing we are irredeemably flawed.

It steals our sense of being good enough. It drives us into dysfunctional and paralyzing perfectionism. Or worse, it creates the need to self-medicate away the pain with alcohol and other drugs, food, escapist or risky behaviors, and toxic relationships and religions.

Although this may be a tactic still used by drill sergeants in military boot camp, no self-respecting coach, therapist, or parent would intentionally shame someone into their idea of compliance.

Just like arsenic is not a culinary seasoning, shame is not a coaching tool.

If you have a coach, therapist, teacher, parent, or partner in your life who uses shaming tactics to get you to agree with them or change who you are, it's time to tell them you won't accept their attitudes and behaviors any longer.

If you are suffering from shame, there's likely a small child inside of you who needs your fierce protection. The way out of the corrosion of shame is to take back your power.

Why 9-9-09 is Auspicious for Endurance

If there is anything you need to do that will require a goodly amount of perseverance, today is the day to start.

If there are new habits you've been waiting to establish, today is the day to commit.

If there are promises you need to make to yourself or someone else, today is the day to manifest their enduring outcome.

Why?

Because in the ancient science of numerology the date 9-9-09 won't come around again for at least 100 years -- not until Sept 9th, 2109. And if you like further symbolic associations, because in Chinese the word nine sounds very similar to the word meaning long-lasting.

Nine is also the number of completions, finishing what you started, harvesting what you've sown. Thus actions taken on 9-9-09 are likely to be seen through to the end, no matter what.

I'm told, however, that in the Japanese language, the word for nine is similar to the word for suffering. Nine is not such a welcomed concept, possibly signifying loss of something that has existed for a long time. In which case, we might think of today as the time to:

• let go of old attitudes or actions that no longer serve you
• halt what you've been fighting against, or have been in denial about
• end reluctance to follow through, forgive, or make peace

What will you start with the intention to be long lasting?
What will you end with the realization that it's time is over?

A Role Model and 5 Keys for Reinventing Yourself

This morning I caught a segment on the Today Show about Claire Cook who -- in her mid 40s -- wrote her first novel in long hand, sitting in a minivan outside her daughter's 5 am swim practices. Now that's the ultimate in focus and dedication.

Her second novel was sold as an endearing movie you probably saw: Must Love Dogs with Diane Lane and John Cusack. Wow, and that's what happens when you move forward with belief in yourself.

Claire Cook is the epitome of midlife reinvention. She'll tell you herself: success like this doesn't just happen.

One thing stands up and shouts when you look at her website and blog. This is a woman who has unleashed her true self. And she's having the time of her life spreading her reinvention message. Her advice (slightly reinterpreted by me) for all of us midlife women is:

1. Don't pay attention to others' negativity about your dreams
2. Believe -- in yourself, and in being the dark horse winner
3. Live in insatiable desire for doing the work, not for the success it will bring
4. Root yourself in your own strengths -- let go of being driven to please everyone else
5. Find and follow your most vibrant passion -- be dogged in keeping after your One Best Talent

What are you yearning for? Are you secretly longing to reinvent your life before it's too late?

Then take stock of your strengths and talents, capture those lost hours spent waiting or in pursuit of meaningless trivia, prioritize yourself, and make it happen. Get a coach, if need be, to keep yourself on track.

You owe it to yourself.