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It's been an unusual few weeks. Celebrities who shaped or contributed to generations of global pop culture have died. Revolution is trying to take hold not only in Iran, but also in how health care is paid for in the US, how green technologies are supported. Threats big and small make the world's news, and and on a smaller scale, ripple through lesser known communities and personal lives.
In times like this when a sense of uncertainty and the limitations of mortality are impacting governments and individuals around the globe, it's normal to feel unsettled in our own lives. It's as if the atmosphere we exist in and the ground we stand on is suddenly shifting. Reality is unreal, and unreliable.
The least helpful thing to do in such times is to dwell in questions such as: what's going on? what if that could happen to me? how can I be protected? when will everything be good again?
What we all seek, I think, is an unassailable sense of inner peace. We universally want to feel safe and secure, able to meet the challenges life throws at us, and know in advance that whatever happens, we'll be okay in the end. This is a basic human need.
So how do we get there? I think there are two essential questions that lead to creating or recovering inner peace are:
- What do I have that can never be taken from me without my consent (my skills, beliefs, attitudes, etc)?
- What are the positives I know I can count on, without any doubt? (my knowledge, my abilities, my supports)
These two questions invite taking an inventory of the factors that create and maintain resilience. When we have resilience, we have options. And when we have options, we can make opportunities for positive change.
Your coaching question for today is: What factors build and maintain my resilience, and how can I strengthen them?
I bet you thought that title meant asking other people to help you get what you need. And sure, it's good to be able to do that. But what I want to offer today is asking yourself for what you need -- asking more of yourself, holding yourself more accountable, or to a higher standard than you have been.
And maybe, in some cases, asking less, or asking for different things than you have been demanding -- for example: less work, more play or sleep; less uber-responsibility, more boundary keeping; less excuses-making, more critical analysis and problem solving; etc.
So have you taken an inventory recently of what you are asking of yourself? No? I'd like to recommend that you take an undistracted, unpressured,15 minutes today to take a head to toe, inside outside look at what you are giving yourself and if it's really what you need for the happiest, most confident and successful life.
Here are some prompter questions to use in your self-awareness process:
- Do you insist on thinking positive, non-judgmental thoughts that move you forward towards your goals?
- Are your beliefs, assumptions and perceptions binding you to negativity and sabotage, or freeing you for joy, new possibilities, and necessary risk-taking?
- Do you give yourself opportunities for openheartedness and lovingkindness every day?
- Are you fueling your body with immune and energy boosting nutrients, and getting enough sleep and exercise?
- Do you recognize emotions as transitory flavors of experience and put them in proper perspective?
- Can you let go of hurts, angers, fears, and reframe your viewpoint of what's possible in any situation?
- Will you give yourself time to think twice before reacting, and respond quickly rather than procrastinating?
- Do you have a gratitude practice, or a way to be grounded and authentic to your true self and inner playful child?
- Is your personal support system toxic -- overcritical, doubting and discounting you -- or are they really on your side, providing encouragement, motivation?
Is it time to commit to changing what you ask of yourself? What will you ask for today?
Are you aware of how many ways you have of sabotaging yourself? Ever given this a thought?I haven't taken a count lately, but I bet most of us have a kind of mental / emotional / behavioral backpack full of self-sabotaging habits. As I think back over the years of coaching and counseling clients to release worry, let go of guilt and shame, re-purpose stress, and achieve greater happiness and bigger goals, I've seen an infinite variety of very creative ways that we all shoot ourselves in the foot from time to time. The ones I've seen most often are:
- impulsively reacting on an emotion without thinking it through or getting more information
- clinging to destructive ideas of pride or honor, and needing to be "right" about your view of "reality"
- making unilateral decisions that effect others without making them aware of your perception that a problem or need exists, and the things you considered before reaching the decision
- conversely, asking permission and taking advice from too many different people before having a clear idea of what goal you are trying to achieve for yourself
- letting emotion dictate thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, perceptions, and behaviors
- allowing fear of rejection or disapproval persuade you into withdrawing requests for what you need and want
- going to the wrong well when trying to get your needs met -- some wells are dry, or filled with unhealthy water
- indulging fears and illusions by both giving up too early and hanging on too long
Do you find any of your favorite forms of self-sabotage in this list?
Often our own personal growth can only occur when we take some risks. The first step in a growth process is to take the risk of seeing yourself clearly -- what commitments do you keep to yourself and others, and how can you do better? Hold yourself accountable to self-growth, instead of being run by self-sabotage.
The second step is to take the risk of doing one thing differently today and tomorrow and the next day -- identify your favorite or most frequently used sabotaging habit, and do the opposite for a growthful change.
There's nothing more freeing and empowering than taking the small risks that help move your forward toward your goals, whether those goals are in personal life, in business, or in relationships.
So tell me, what will you commit to doing differently today?
Have you joined the social media (SM) revolution? Are you noticing any downside in the quality of communication in your in-person friendships? Is the cyber-world sabotaging deeper relationships of more substance?
As I get more and more involved with Twitter, and some of the other social media sites, I'm certainly in contact now with many more people ever before. There's something seductive about people from other parts of the world who I've never heard of wanting to befriend me. That's heady stuff for one who possibly has a touch of social anxiety for regular real-time networking. LOL.
But I'm also noticing that my closest relationships are developing a chronic lack of meaningful interaction, as snippets of cyber-connection replace phone calls and lovely lunches, casual meetings at Starbucks, or walks in the park. The truth is, without the meaningfulness of live, in depth conversation and frequent in-person interaction, something important is lost, and connection corrodes.
If you're noticing more irritability, agitation, silence, aggression, argument, conflict and other signs of relational dissatisfaction in friendships and with family, it's possible that they are simply trying to make bids for feeling reconnected with you -- however inelegant those behaviors may be.
Is it time to take a break from your cyber pals and rekindle the old fashioned friendships that may be languishing?
One of the ways many of us sabotage ourselves is with the use of impulsive resistance ~~ that is, with being passively hesitant or by actively outright rejecting new ideas as one's first reaction to the possibilities inherent in change. Without intending to, some of us have overt and covert resistance to moving forward on our goals or with our lives even when we say we want to.
The dynamics of resistance are perplexing and frustrating. Resistance drains energy, can cost more money, misses out on good opportunities we said we wanted, and can create conflict in relationships. Why would we resist change?
Resistance is literally the psychological / emotional mechanism of putting the brakes on something that feels to us like it's moving too fast. It's function is to slow us down, give us time to think things through in order to determine if the change that's being presented is really in our best interest, or if it will take us off track.
Resistance is a form of energy management. It's the prompt to be more mindful, more intentional, more in alignment with our purpose and goals. It's the safety switch when we're likely to get burned or distracted by the bright shiny thing that in reality has no connection to true desires.
Of course, some of us don't resist when it would be in our best interest to do so. That a whole 'nother discussion.
If you're feeling resistant and think it's because you aren't motivated enough, resistance is giving you the opportunity to examine your motivations and your goals ~ are you pointed in the direction you really want to be going?
What are you resisting today? How is that serving you in a positive way?
I've been thinking a lot about self-confidence lately, wondering to what degree it is a learned or innate attitude and behavior. Here's where my thoughts are at the moment. Would love to hear yours.
Confidence starts with feeling safe. It's an outcome of knowing and trusting that we will be okay, no matter what. It's therefore directly tied to the amount of resilience one has after going through devastating set-backs.
Confidence also requires being able to be vulnerable, which sounds like it would be the opposite of feeling safe, but isn't. Being vulnerable is the ability to admit to being mistaken and not feel shame about that.
Confidence grows with the ability to be open and humble when having been wrong and know you can take care of yourself if others can't be gracious enough to listen and help you process through it, or when they aim to hurt you with your less-than-perfectness and their superiority complex.
In my mind, there's a lot of ego-centered, need-to-be-right, brash, impulsive, arrogant opinions and behavior that are confused with confidence. True self-confidence doesn't need to put others down, or point out their short-comings. Those are learned defense mechanisms that serve to block the development of real confidence (not to mention the growth of spiritual self-awareness).
True self-confidence is like the love spoken of in a familiar Bible passage: it is patient and kind, doesn't envy or brag, doesn't get puffed up with false pride. In other words, it's an inside job of being calm and centered in storm and sunshine alike.
How are you exhibiting true confidence today?
Show of hands -- how many of you prefer to avoid confrontation? Even when you hear the word, it makes you nervous, your heart starts to race, your palms get sweaty, you can feel your muscles contract, and you become hypervigilant and look for the exit? Where's the beauty in that, you may be thinking?
To confront means to face in challenge, to encounter. But many of us experience it as meaning, to argue, to fight, to get bullied or wounded, to barely survive a lose-lose or lose-win situation in which we expect to get hurt. Because the psyche serves to keep us safe at all costs, the natural tendency is to run from confrontation. Unfortunately the cost gets very high if by avoiding challenging encounters we seldom get our needs met.
Over a lifetime of having stronger personalities confront us in ways that have been threatening or hurtful, we've probably never learned the skills of confronting others about what we don't like and what we want instead in a direct, non-violent, and elegant manner.
This lack of skill creates a lot of passive aggressive or stubbornly self-sabotaging behavior as we try to get our needs met.
Recently I've been looking at the Center for Non-Violent Communication's model for elegant confrontation. There is calm and centered beauty in it's two simple parts: empathic listening and honestly expressing. For both parts, the NVC way is to observe without defensive judgment, to hear / speak objectively about feelings and needs, before entertaining / making a reasonable request for a change.
Another way of saying this is to stand gently in your own truth -- to walk in beauty through the fear of sharing how you feel and asking for what you want. Confrontation can be a gift of commitment to yourself, and to a difficult relationship. Living the beauty of non-violent confrontation is to be living in trust. It's a growing trust in our own abilities to recover from others' inelegant responses, and an allowing of faith in the fact that they have their own feelings, needs, hurts and fears they struggle with as well.
How might you stand gently in your truth and walk in beauty through your fear today?
Even without being religious, I love that thought. Another way of saying it is that setting a morning intention to be connected to a personal source of spiritual empowerment, and expressing an evening gratitude having faith in that connection, is protective as well as productive.
That's especially true when we're in a high stress-high fear-high anxiety-feeling slammed and overwhelmed-cycle. And that's often the time when many of us forget to call on that source, whatever it may be for us individually. Just as stress, fear, and anxiety are frequently the result of the story we tell ourselves, personal empowerment also starts with the thoughts we hold, and beliefs we invest in.
What beliefs about yourself are you investing in today?
What source of spiritual or personal empowerment do you have faith in, in the face of stress, fear, anxiety, and overwhelm?
Are these beliefs and faith freeing or binding?
What serves you best? If you aren't already feeling empowered, when will you give yourself that?
What? What do you mean, fear is good?
Fear is a mind-body-spirit communication intended to keep us safe. Fear tells us to flee from the tiger, fight off the mugger, or freeze all your financial accounts when you suspect identity theft. Those are the right actions for the circumstances. Fear is just the kick start.
Fear is helpful when we respond as it intends us to -- with rapid critical thinking assessment of the situation and our capabilities.
Fear runs amok when we react to it emotionally -- with hypervigilence, panic, unnecessary defensiveness, anger, or hiding.
Long ago a book came out with the title: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I find my counseling and coaching clients who try to follow that prescription get stuck in being afraid of feeling fearful. Afraid of feeling. As if feeling itself were the problem.
Feeling is only the messenger. The message is: decide what you need to do, trust your ability to do it or get the assistance you need, and take action now. The magic of that formula is that the more we apply it, the less fearful of fear we become.
How's your life going? Got everything flowing smoothly? Getting everything you want or expect from all the effort you're making?
No? Hmmm. When we feel like we're spinning our wheels, hitting a glass ceiling, or running into roadblocks, we need to step back and take a hard critical look at three factors:
- what specifically is not working the way we think is should
- how are our own actions, thoughts, beliefs, or feelings getting in the way
- where exactly do we have leverage (opportunity+control) for making something shift
From a coaching perspective, self-sabotage is simply the application of the least effective tool or process for the desired goal. It's not a moral failing; it's just being in a pattern that isn't working.
But before we can assess the three critical factors, the key to undoing self-sabotage is to let go of all attachment to continuing to do things the way we've always done them. And the attachment to any belief that if we just keep doing what we've always done that someday, somehow, something will magically change.
You know the definition of crazy?
Doing the same thing that doesn't work over and over and over again, and expecting a different result.
Why be stuck in crazy when a little coaching can provide you with new tools, help you customize new processes, and give you enthusiastic support to get your life flowing smoothly, and get back on track for getting what you want.
