Do You Let Fear Stop You?

Fear is either a motivator, or killer. It pushes us into action, or paralyzes productive brain and body function. Which is it for you?

Both reactions to fear are normal, even instinctual. And in a sense, fear is good. It's a communication of potential danger that we all need to pay attention to.

BUT -- fear should also be a motivating prompt for changing your focus. Fear calls you to look at the situation from a different angle, and quickly determine a useful response, so that you can keep moving forward toward your goals.

Frantic, scattered, unfocused reactivity to fear kills achievement just as well as depressed, numbed, withdrawal into inaction.

So how can you NOT let fear stop you?

1. Acknowledge that you are feeling scared.
2. Name the deepest fear that's being touched, in the given situation.
3. Refocus away from the feeling back to what you know without a doubt that you can trust.
4. Ask yourself what can I do differently now to still get what I most need in this situation.
5. See in your mind's eye the steps you need to take.
6. Remind yourself that you will learn new skills or self-knowledge from this experience.
7. Cultivate an attitude of faith, hope, and belief -- faith that everything will turn out ok, hope that something better than you can imagine will occur, and belief in your own abilities to persevere.

What Are You Waiting For?

I've begun to think that the old adage that patience is a virtue may be an outmoded relic of the past. It needs examining, if, as I suspect, the character trait of patience becomes the behavior of waiting too long to make change or manifest your dreams.

Much of so-called patience is just procrastination. And procrastination is a form of self-sabotage.

Patience can be sneaky. It sounds good to say we are waiting for right timing, or more resources, or for someone else to respond or take an action. A particularly deceptive form of sabotaging patience is in the idea that things are in motion and we are letting them play out.

Oh, I admit that all of those things may be true and valid in and of themselves. And what I see in many of my coaching clients is that this mindset can also be the mantra of excuses-making for staying too long in a comfort zone when there is an underlying commitment to be risk-avoidant.

If you believe yourself to be a patient person, if you take pride in that, it may well be an admirable virtue in your character. And nonetheless, I encourage you to ask yourself these powerful self-reflective questions, and see if you uncover a saboteur you didn't realize was lurking in you.

• Today, what am I waiting for? Is there really no forward movement I can take?
• Is what I'm waiting for contributing to a delay in making progress on other goals?
• What am I feeling while in this waiting state?
• What could I be doing on this or other projects that might move me forward differently, or faster?
• What risk am I avoiding by this waiting? Is that really a good idea, or is it hurting my success?
• If today's waiting is really productive, what else can I start or work on or finish in the meantime?
• What alternatives to waiting would be best for me right now, or best for my long term goals?
  

Asking for What You Need

I bet you thought that title meant asking other people to help you get what you need. And sure, it's good to be able to do that. But what I want to offer today is asking yourself for what you need -- asking more of yourself, holding yourself more accountable, or to a higher standard than you have been.

And maybe, in some cases, asking less, or asking for different things than you have been demanding -- for example: less work, more play or sleep; less uber-responsibility, more boundary keeping; less excuses-making, more critical analysis and problem solving; etc.

So have you taken an inventory recently of what you are asking of yourself? No? I'd like to recommend that you take an undistracted, unpressured,15 minutes today to take a head to toe, inside outside look at what you are giving yourself and if it's really what you need for the happiest, most confident and successful life.

Here are some prompter questions to use in your self-awareness process:

1. Do you insist on thinking positive, non-judgmental thoughts that move you forward towards your goals?
2. Are your beliefs, assumptions and perceptions binding you to negativity and sabotage, or freeing you for joy, new possibilities, and necessary risk-taking?
3. Do you give yourself opportunities for openheartedness and lovingkindness every day?
4. Are you fueling your body with immune and energy boosting nutrients, and getting enough sleep and exercise?
5. Do you recognize emotions as transitory flavors of experience and put them in proper perspective?
6. Can you let go of hurts, angers, fears, and reframe your viewpoint of what's possible in any situation?
   
7. Will you give yourself time to think twice before reacting, and respond quickly rather than procrastinating?
8. Do you have a gratitude practice, or a way to be grounded and authentic to your true self and inner playful child?
9. Is your personal support system toxic -- overcritical, doubting and discounting you -- or are they really on your side, providing encouragement, motivation?
   

Is it time to commit to changing what you ask of yourself? What will you ask for today?

Is the SM phenom changing relationships for the better?

Have you joined the social media (SM) revolution? Are you noticing any downside in the quality of communication in your in-person friendships? Is the cyber-world sabotaging deeper relationships of more substance?

As I get more and more involved with Twitter, and some of the other social media sites, I'm certainly in contact now with many more people ever before. There's something seductive about people from other parts of the world who I've never heard of wanting to befriend me. That's heady stuff for one who possibly has a touch of social anxiety for regular real-time networking. LOL.

But I'm also noticing that my closest relationships are developing a chronic lack of meaningful interaction, as snippets of cyber-connection replace phone calls and lovely lunches, casual meetings at Starbucks, or walks in the park. The truth is, without the meaningfulness of live, in depth conversation and frequent in-person interaction, something important is lost, and connection corrodes.

If you're noticing more irritability, agitation, silence, aggression, argument, conflict and other signs of relational dissatisfaction in friendships and with family, it's possible that they are simply trying to make bids for feeling reconnected with you -- however inelegant those behaviors may be.

Is it time to take a break from your cyber pals and rekindle the old fashioned friendships that may be languishing?

A Key to Undoing Self-Sabotage

How's your life going? Got everything flowing smoothly? Getting everything you want or expect from all the effort you're making?

No? Hmmm. When we feel like we're spinning our wheels, hitting a glass ceiling, or running into roadblocks, we need to step back and take a hard critical look at three factors:

• what specifically is not working the way we think is should
• how are our own actions, thoughts, beliefs, or feelings getting in the way
  
• where exactly do we have leverage (opportunity+control) for making something shift

From a coaching perspective, self-sabotage is simply the application of the least effective tool or process for the desired goal. It's not a moral failing; it's just being in a pattern that isn't working.

But before we can assess the three critical factors, the key to undoing self-sabotage is to let go of all attachment to continuing to do things the way we've always done them. And the attachment to any belief that if we just keep doing what we've always done that someday, somehow, something will magically change.

You know the definition of crazy?

Doing the same thing that doesn't work over and over and over again, and expecting a different result.

Why be stuck in crazy when a little coaching can provide you with new tools, help you customize new processes, and give you enthusiastic support to get your life flowing smoothly, and get back on track for getting what you want.