Does Chronic People Pleasing Wear You Out?

Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Can you not rest until everyone else around you is fed, conflict-free, healed, and happy?

If so, I have two important questions for you -- when is it your turn? and who takes care of you?

Many of my generational peers were taught that pleasing others should be the main goal of our lives. We were led to expect it to bring us extreme happiness, if not heavenly brownie points.

Even in the active feminist era, when it appeared that taking our power and achieving equality meant caring only about ourselves, many of us never let go of the guilt that came with doing so. Those early indoctrinations by our Leave It To Beaver mothers were well ingrained.

And now, here you are at mid-life -- worn out, ticked off, wanting more for yourself, and unsure where to start.

Here's are some coaching suggestions for you:

• Think of yourself as your own best friend, or as a two people at once: the wise older self and the novice younger self.
  

• Give this aspect of yourself a separate name so she becomes real and valued to you.
  

• Make all your decisions about how you spend your energy according to what your best self-friend or younger self needs.

• Prioritize your time and resources to give first to your best self-friend / younger self before your day gets consumed with others (yes, even including kids and spouses and your mother). Make appointments with her, and keep them no matter what.

• Strengthen your resistance to being The Answer for everyone else's needs. Remember that the more you do for others, the more it robs them of the skills of self-sufficiency.

• Practice saying No, and having a preference, even if it's for paper instead of plastic. Own your right to have things the way you'd like them to be, for a change.

If this is harder for you than it sounds, it may be time for counseling or coaching. I'd recommend trying out these self-coaching suggestions on your own for a month, and if you aren't pleasing yourself as much as others yet, put yourself more focused plan with an experienced guide. Good luck!

Are You Suffering From TMI Paralysis?

TMI -- Too Much Information. It's one thing to gather the facts you need to know the choices you have. It quite another to drown in tangential and irrelevant material.

But how can you know when enough is enough? Start with becoming aware of what process will work best for you.

If you tend to be more intuitive than logical, tune in to your inner sense of when you know all you need.

• Seek out the feeling or sensation or inner knowing that you've hit upon the right amount, or the best direction. Then stop the gathering.

If you prefer a goal-oriented approach, start with being clear about the end result you want -- what's your purpose for gathering information? What decision needs to be made with it? What factors do you need to learn about in order to make that decision or move in the direction of the desired result?

• Search for info to fit your criteria, then stop when start seeing the same advice more than once.

If a preponderance of evidence approach works best for you, start with a pro and con list. You might frame it this way: If I find 5 pieces of info in favor and 3 pieces against, the pros win.

• Set your criteria for what constitutes a pro and a con, do your search, and stop gathering when you reach your pre-set number.

If you have a different process, I'd love to hear about it. Oh, yeah, there's another method right there -- asking others what they know or do. Then have a way to determine if that method would work for you.

Autumn Equinox: What's Your Harvest?

If you think about it, Nature provides us with a kind of coaching rhythm.

• Get new things planted in the spring
• Nurture their growth in the summer
• Harvest their fruits in the fall
• Rest and re-assess through the winter

Some talk of the spring and fall equinoxes as days of balance because of the solar phenomenon of equal amounts of light and darkness on these days. I prefer to be in mind of what I'm sowing and what I'm reaping.

Take a moment right now to think back on what you were giving your energy around last March 20th. What hopes were you sending out into the world? What projects had you recently begun? What new habits were still starting to sprout?

The Autumnal Equinox (Sept 22 or 23 in the Northern Hemisphere, depending on your location -- the 22nd at 2:25 pm for me) is a day that has been marked since ancient times as a celebration of the harvest before the year turns towards winter's harsh deprivations. It's a day to ask yourself these questions:

• Did your actions manifest or contribute to manifesting what you hoped for?
• Have your projects produced sweet or bitter fruit?
• Is it time to end a habit, a relationship, a fruitless effort and move on?
  

On the day of harvest, what are you harvesting for your life? Is it enough to sustain you through the lean times? Will it bring you joy and light in the darkness to come? If not, what seeds of knowledge and wisdom can you take from your experience?

4 Excuses for Hiding in Your Comfort Zone

1. You're Too Tired / Don't Have the Energy

While this might only be a result of Party Hardy syndrome, it may also be a sign of grief or a mood disorder. Lack of interest in the world around you, in things that you used to find enjoyable, in spending time with friends, are actually symptoms of depression.

If you're experiencing an emotionally based fatigue more days than not for several months at a time, talk to a knowledgeable specialist about the best way for you to change this situation.

And if it's just a matter of not getting enough sleep, see my website for the flier on 50 Alternatives to Pharmaceutical Medications for Better Sleep.


2. You Can't Afford It / Don't Have the Money

You're not alone in this one, but not everything that's worth doing costs money. Many volunteer opportunities exist in every community that will introduce you to new people, new activities, new skills, and new experiences.

Hey you're already on the internet right now. How about checking out MeetUps in your area, or do a Google search for activities to join this week.


3. You Might Not Like Something New

True, but then again, you might surprise yourself. When I hear this excuse I hear a defense mechanism against a fear of being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed -- again.

Take an honest inventory of your history of trying something new. What happened? Even in the times you did get hurt, disappointed or embarrassed, what did you learn about yourself? How did it shape your character?

Then think about what you need to do or have with you that will reduce your chances of being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed this time.


4. You're Really Shy / Don't Have Anyone to Go With

I agree, this is often a harder reason to overcome the inertia of staying where you are. Shyness can be quite debilitating. But the question is, are you willing to give your life over to this one emotion?.

Whether we're talking about not having a social life, not attending a festival or education program, not volunteering in your community, or not envisioning living in a new town or part of the country, you don't have to let shyness or stag status control the chance to experience a fuller life.

I recommend making an action plan for taking tiny risks in safe ways to interact with strangers, lend a helping hand to a neighbor, attend a workshop or book reading, and just start getting yourself out of the mindset and habits of shyness.

2 Forms of Confidence Erosion

The other night President Obama talked about timidity passing for wisdom. That got me thinking.

How many times have you talked yourself into waiting, or taking a smaller step forward than you could? Was it a wise choice, or simply avoidance prompted by lack of real self-confidence?

Procrastination and an over-abundance of caution erode self-confidence. Confidence -- rather than being a prerequisite -- is the outcome of taking risks. If you make a habit of timidity, your confidence evaporates.

Real wisdom is nurtured by gaining new knowledge that only experimenting and seeing what happens can provide.

Another form of confidence erosion comes about when we keep doing the same thing over and over again, achieving poor or no results, but expecting something different.

While persistence is a very important quality for success, disappointment that comes from repeatedly failing in your efforts will be quite destructive to your sense of confidence.

Failure in itself is not terrible. It's simply a piece of feedback that another approach, new skills, different resources, or other help, etc, is needed.

Practical wisdom is gained by evaluating what worked, what didn't, and designing a new plan to maximize the one and minimize the other.

Knowing that timidity, procrastination, cautious avoidance, repetitive disappointment are the prescription for eroding self-confidence, what will you change today to gain real, practical wisdom instead?

Corrosion of Shame Leads to Self-Sabotage

Recently I heard someone argue for shaming a client into having the motivation to be accountable. This was justified as a coach's responsibility to be honest in ways that friends won't or can't be.

This advocate equates confrontation with using a tactic of shaming. Then disavowed responsibility for inflicting intentional emotional damage by claiming that shame is not an action but rather a perception that lies in the eye of the perceiver.

This, folks, is an argument that suggests a personality disorder.

It's a position that terribly misguided parents consciously or unconsciously hold that leads to manipulation and disempowerment of their children at best, and potentially severe, life long psychological impairment.

The consequences of being subjected to what psychologists call a shaming environment is directly tied to learned habits of self-sabotage. Our view of reality and interpersonal dynamics gets drastically skewed when subjected to being shamed.

Shame robs us of our emotional and spiritual bearings. We get mired in believing we are irredeemably flawed.

It steals our sense of being good enough. It drives us into dysfunctional and paralyzing perfectionism. Or worse, it creates the need to self-medicate away the pain with alcohol and other drugs, food, escapist or risky behaviors, and toxic relationships and religions.

Although this may be a tactic still used by drill sergeants in military boot camp, no self-respecting coach, therapist, or parent would intentionally shame someone into their idea of compliance.

Just like arsenic is not a culinary seasoning, shame is not a coaching tool.

If you have a coach, therapist, teacher, parent, or partner in your life who uses shaming tactics to get you to agree with them or change who you are, it's time to tell them you won't accept their attitudes and behaviors any longer.

If you are suffering from shame, there's likely a small child inside of you who needs your fierce protection. The way out of the corrosion of shame is to take back your power.

Why 9-9-09 is Auspicious for Endurance

If there is anything you need to do that will require a goodly amount of perseverance, today is the day to start.

If there are new habits you've been waiting to establish, today is the day to commit.

If there are promises you need to make to yourself or someone else, today is the day to manifest their enduring outcome.

Why?

Because in the ancient science of numerology the date 9-9-09 won't come around again for at least 100 years -- not until Sept 9th, 2109. And if you like further symbolic associations, because in Chinese the word nine sounds very similar to the word meaning long-lasting.

Nine is also the number of completions, finishing what you started, harvesting what you've sown. Thus actions taken on 9-9-09 are likely to be seen through to the end, no matter what.

I'm told, however, that in the Japanese language, the word for nine is similar to the word for suffering. Nine is not such a welcomed concept, possibly signifying loss of something that has existed for a long time. In which case, we might think of today as the time to:

• let go of old attitudes or actions that no longer serve you
• halt what you've been fighting against, or have been in denial about
• end reluctance to follow through, forgive, or make peace

What will you start with the intention to be long lasting?
What will you end with the realization that it's time is over?

A Role Model and 5 Keys for Reinventing Yourself

This morning I caught a segment on the Today Show about Claire Cook who -- in her mid 40s -- wrote her first novel in long hand, sitting in a minivan outside her daughter's 5 am swim practices. Now that's the ultimate in focus and dedication.

Her second novel was sold as an endearing movie you probably saw: Must Love Dogs with Diane Lane and John Cusack. Wow, and that's what happens when you move forward with belief in yourself.

Claire Cook is the epitome of midlife reinvention. She'll tell you herself: success like this doesn't just happen.

One thing stands up and shouts when you look at her website and blog. This is a woman who has unleashed her true self. And she's having the time of her life spreading her reinvention message. Her advice (slightly reinterpreted by me) for all of us midlife women is:

1. Don't pay attention to others' negativity about your dreams
2. Believe -- in yourself, and in being the dark horse winner
3. Live in insatiable desire for doing the work, not for the success it will bring
4. Root yourself in your own strengths -- let go of being driven to please everyone else
5. Find and follow your most vibrant passion -- be dogged in keeping after your One Best Talent

What are you yearning for? Are you secretly longing to reinvent your life before it's too late?

Then take stock of your strengths and talents, capture those lost hours spent waiting or in pursuit of meaningless trivia, prioritize yourself, and make it happen. Get a coach, if need be, to keep yourself on track.

You owe it to yourself.

How Do You Show Up?

It's often said in the coaching world that how you engage in anything is how you engage with everything.

The statement is talking about showing up alive in your life, being in alignment with your own values and integrity, and keeping your commitments to yourself as well as to others. I'm all for that.

Showing up is another way of saying: paying your dues, making the effort, doing what's necessary to get where you say you want to be. How do you show up for yourself, for your dreams, your goals?

Confidence is linked to showing up. Those of us who are shy may have difficulty showing up in social situations, and that robs us of the chance to build confidence in our social skills.

Showing up is about trying, failing, and coming back to try again. It's not about being perfect or compulsive, but simply making the best effort we can, over and over again, every chance we are willing to take.

Ask yourself what you really want and when you'd ideally like to have it. Then ask yourself how you show up to work for it.

If the effort you're putting in is equal to the goal, keep doing what you're doing while also looking for ways to do it better, smarter, easier, and faster.

If you aren't showing up for what you want, it's not likely you'll ever have it. It's up to you. How are you spending your daily efforts?