Does Chronic People Pleasing Wear You Out?

Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Can you not rest until everyone else around you is fed, conflict-free, healed, and happy?

If so, I have two important questions for you -- when is it your turn? and who takes care of you?

Many of my generational peers were taught that pleasing others should be the main goal of our lives. We were led to expect it to bring us extreme happiness, if not heavenly brownie points.

Even in the active feminist era, when it appeared that taking our power and achieving equality meant caring only about ourselves, many of us never let go of the guilt that came with doing so. Those early indoctrinations by our Leave It To Beaver mothers were well ingrained.

And now, here you are at mid-life -- worn out, ticked off, wanting more for yourself, and unsure where to start.

Here's are some coaching suggestions for you:

• Think of yourself as your own best friend, or as a two people at once: the wise older self and the novice younger self.
  

• Give this aspect of yourself a separate name so she becomes real and valued to you.
  

• Make all your decisions about how you spend your energy according to what your best self-friend or younger self needs.

• Prioritize your time and resources to give first to your best self-friend / younger self before your day gets consumed with others (yes, even including kids and spouses and your mother). Make appointments with her, and keep them no matter what.

• Strengthen your resistance to being The Answer for everyone else's needs. Remember that the more you do for others, the more it robs them of the skills of self-sufficiency.

• Practice saying No, and having a preference, even if it's for paper instead of plastic. Own your right to have things the way you'd like them to be, for a change.

If this is harder for you than it sounds, it may be time for counseling or coaching. I'd recommend trying out these self-coaching suggestions on your own for a month, and if you aren't pleasing yourself as much as others yet, put yourself more focused plan with an experienced guide. Good luck!

Autumn Equinox: What's Your Harvest?

If you think about it, Nature provides us with a kind of coaching rhythm.

• Get new things planted in the spring
• Nurture their growth in the summer
• Harvest their fruits in the fall
• Rest and re-assess through the winter

Some talk of the spring and fall equinoxes as days of balance because of the solar phenomenon of equal amounts of light and darkness on these days. I prefer to be in mind of what I'm sowing and what I'm reaping.

Take a moment right now to think back on what you were giving your energy around last March 20th. What hopes were you sending out into the world? What projects had you recently begun? What new habits were still starting to sprout?

The Autumnal Equinox (Sept 22 or 23 in the Northern Hemisphere, depending on your location -- the 22nd at 2:25 pm for me) is a day that has been marked since ancient times as a celebration of the harvest before the year turns towards winter's harsh deprivations. It's a day to ask yourself these questions:

• Did your actions manifest or contribute to manifesting what you hoped for?
• Have your projects produced sweet or bitter fruit?
• Is it time to end a habit, a relationship, a fruitless effort and move on?
  

On the day of harvest, what are you harvesting for your life? Is it enough to sustain you through the lean times? Will it bring you joy and light in the darkness to come? If not, what seeds of knowledge and wisdom can you take from your experience?

4 Excuses for Hiding in Your Comfort Zone

1. You're Too Tired / Don't Have the Energy

While this might only be a result of Party Hardy syndrome, it may also be a sign of grief or a mood disorder. Lack of interest in the world around you, in things that you used to find enjoyable, in spending time with friends, are actually symptoms of depression.

If you're experiencing an emotionally based fatigue more days than not for several months at a time, talk to a knowledgeable specialist about the best way for you to change this situation.

And if it's just a matter of not getting enough sleep, see my website for the flier on 50 Alternatives to Pharmaceutical Medications for Better Sleep.


2. You Can't Afford It / Don't Have the Money

You're not alone in this one, but not everything that's worth doing costs money. Many volunteer opportunities exist in every community that will introduce you to new people, new activities, new skills, and new experiences.

Hey you're already on the internet right now. How about checking out MeetUps in your area, or do a Google search for activities to join this week.


3. You Might Not Like Something New

True, but then again, you might surprise yourself. When I hear this excuse I hear a defense mechanism against a fear of being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed -- again.

Take an honest inventory of your history of trying something new. What happened? Even in the times you did get hurt, disappointed or embarrassed, what did you learn about yourself? How did it shape your character?

Then think about what you need to do or have with you that will reduce your chances of being hurt, disappointed, or embarrassed this time.


4. You're Really Shy / Don't Have Anyone to Go With

I agree, this is often a harder reason to overcome the inertia of staying where you are. Shyness can be quite debilitating. But the question is, are you willing to give your life over to this one emotion?.

Whether we're talking about not having a social life, not attending a festival or education program, not volunteering in your community, or not envisioning living in a new town or part of the country, you don't have to let shyness or stag status control the chance to experience a fuller life.

I recommend making an action plan for taking tiny risks in safe ways to interact with strangers, lend a helping hand to a neighbor, attend a workshop or book reading, and just start getting yourself out of the mindset and habits of shyness.

Do You Sabotage Yourself into Insomnia?

This morning I coached a coach on working with someone whose racing thoughts at bedtime kept her from falling asleep. This reminded me of the myriad of unconscious daily self-sabotages many of us engage in that have pretty immediate consequences.

Prolonged bouts of insomnia -- either having difficulty getting to sleep or trouble staying asleep -- can have devastating impact on everything, from physical health, to mental focus, to reaction time and judgment, to emotional stability, and irritability in relationships. We are wise to do everything we can to change the habits we have that contribute to this condition.

Here are a few ideas that have worked for me personally, and for my clients:

• Write a do to list for the next day, in bed, ending with writing out a statement such as: I can let today and tomorrow take care of themselves now, while I easily go to sleep.

• Reduce the amount of light in your home 2 hours prior to bedtime because bright lights stimulate the brain unnaturally. A single 25 watt lamp is enough.
  

• Reduce or eliminate conversation for 2 hours prior to bedtime, to start letting the brain relax.

• Eliminate coffee, tea, cola, chocolate, even products like Excedrin, and anything else with caffeine after 12 noon.
  

• Take vitamins in the morning, especially if they include Vitamin B because that's an energy booster.
  

• If you need extra help, try taking DHEA early in the day and melatonin right at bedtime to aid the brain in relaxing into sleep.

Breathing Meditation to Lull Yourself into Sleep

Mentally count to 4 very slowly while inhaling deeply.
Again count to 4 while exhaling slowly.
Keep doing that until the body relaxes. This gives the mind something focused to do.

Pair the counting with a mental image of something expanding when inhaling and then contracting when exhaling -- maybe a flower getting bigger then smaller. This gives the mind something else focused to do.

Finally, create and repeat an auto-suggestion (self-hypnosis) mantra, which is an image form of an affirmation statement. Something like: I feel my body relaxing. The gears in my brain are slowing for sleep. The circles of thoughts going round and round are stopping and holding still.

Holding Focus

As I write this morning, several construction workers are outside my building, tearing off my deck in order to replace it. It's noisy with power tools, and disruptive with other unidentifiable and unexpected sounds.

It occurs to me that there are always people, power, and disruption surrounding us when we are doing anything, and we have to develop effective tactics for holding focus. That is, for not letting the verbal, energetic, and emotional noise dilute our productivity.

Here's what I'd recommend:

1. focus by doing zen* tasks -- those that are so routine they can be done well with an empty mind
2. focus by using embodied skills -- those that are so second nature you can do them in your sleep
3. focus by normalizing -- getting used to sounds until they become just more background noise
4. focus by being singularly purposeful -- that is, be determined to accomplish your goal despite the obstacles
   
5. focus by relocating -- removing yourself to an alternative workspace that provide a more productive environment
6. focus by re-prioritizing -- shifting your timeline, renegotiating deadlines, and taking the day off

Hmmm, that's a pretty good prescription (if I do say so myself) for achieving your goals even without the assistance of noisy people, power tools and unexpected disruptions.

*No disrespect intended to those who practice Zen Buddhism

What Are You Waiting For?

I've begun to think that the old adage that patience is a virtue may be an outmoded relic of the past. It needs examining, if, as I suspect, the character trait of patience becomes the behavior of waiting too long to make change or manifest your dreams.

Much of so-called patience is just procrastination. And procrastination is a form of self-sabotage.

Patience can be sneaky. It sounds good to say we are waiting for right timing, or more resources, or for someone else to respond or take an action. A particularly deceptive form of sabotaging patience is in the idea that things are in motion and we are letting them play out.

Oh, I admit that all of those things may be true and valid in and of themselves. And what I see in many of my coaching clients is that this mindset can also be the mantra of excuses-making for staying too long in a comfort zone when there is an underlying commitment to be risk-avoidant.

If you believe yourself to be a patient person, if you take pride in that, it may well be an admirable virtue in your character. And nonetheless, I encourage you to ask yourself these powerful self-reflective questions, and see if you uncover a saboteur you didn't realize was lurking in you.

• Today, what am I waiting for? Is there really no forward movement I can take?
• Is what I'm waiting for contributing to a delay in making progress on other goals?
• What am I feeling while in this waiting state?
• What could I be doing on this or other projects that might move me forward differently, or faster?
• What risk am I avoiding by this waiting? Is that really a good idea, or is it hurting my success?
• If today's waiting is really productive, what else can I start or work on or finish in the meantime?
• What alternatives to waiting would be best for me right now, or best for my long term goals?
  

Courageous Attitude -- The Overlooked Resource

On her Facebook page, renowned poet Maya Angelou posted this quote: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

I love this variation of the Serenity Prayer, most commonly attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr : God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Courage and attitude. Two important resources that often are overlooked when facing difficult times. Courage is simply the ability to do what needs to be done, despite potential negative outcomes. Most of us let our imaginings about potential negative outcomes make us blind to the potential positive results.

We let imagination rob us of courage. We could just as well allow imagination to focus on the positive, and be the fuel to move us forward. It's a choice, but we have to be conscious to choose the positive, because the unconscious will almost always choose the fearful negative.

If you claimed your own courage today, what would you do? How would you make a difference?

A common psychological defense when we are fearful is to become upset, angry, sarcastic, insulting, verbally abusive, or cynical. These negative emotional behaviors are called having a bad attitude, and they visit us when we are caught up in not liking something that we feel powerless about.

I don't know about you, but I don't need to answer the door when these visitors come calling.

Having a bad attitude is toxic to solution-finding, to generating alternative thinking, and to change, among other things. We can choose to react without attitude. We can even simply acknowledge that we don't like something or are afraid of something, without piling a lot of defensiveness on top of that.

What is in your world today that you don't like? Can you change it? Can you change your attitude about it? What positive outcome might happen if you did?

The Secret to Being Creative

Being creative is not about being able to sing, dance, paint, or write. It's not even so much about innate talent, although that helps.

Being creative is a essentially a mental process, fueled by emotional passion, and sustained by sheer determination and persistence. But it's the mental process that's the key.

The mental process of creativity is all in your perspective. It's basically a way of seeing possibilities that most can't see -- from a different angle or new viewpoint. It's asking yourself what if.

• What if I come at this problem from the opposite direction?
• What could be uncovered if I take 3 steps back and see the bigger picture?
• What if this worked differently, or produced a different result -- what would be needed to do that?
  

Whether in business or in life, often being creative grows from asking what's not being done. Or from wondering how could I do that better, easier, with less effort and time, or more payoff. The seeds of creativity lie in questioning things as they are, and wondering how else they could be.

And then, once the questions point you in a direction to explore, being creative is in having the motivation or courage to pursue the adventure of finding out.

Your life coaching questions for today are: Look at one common household item today that you normally take for granted. What else can you do with it? Can you brainstorm 10 new uses for this item?

What Liberates Your Independent Spirit?

All progress is made by those who move forward from the pack, from the prevailing mindset. This is true when we're talking political revolution, and it's true when we are speaking of individual life dreams as well.

For some of us, the moving forward has to start with stepping beyond the beliefs, fears, and customs of our family, or even of our own inner dialogue. We can get so accustomed to evaluating ourselves through others' eyes, that their opinions and expectations of us become oppressive and limiting. And, we can oppress and limit ourselves by the way we give ourselves negative messages about our competence, confidence or chances to succeed

True liberation requires gaining independence from the tyranny of the small goals, small beliefs, and small dreams that are confined to what our insecurities allow. True independence also must be gained from the small, negative "support" offered by those who are overly controlled by their fear-based concerns for our safety and happiness.

Perhaps the most valuable self-coaching gift you can give yourself this weekend is to begin to use these powerful questions to guide you in your choices:

• Will this action, thought, emotion, relationship, or situation free me to succeed?
• If not, what is limiting my freedom of movement, and how can I liberate myself from that?
  

Ask 2 Essential Questions To Recover Inner Peace

It's been an unusual few weeks. Celebrities who shaped or contributed to generations of global pop culture have died. Revolution is trying to take hold not only in Iran, but also in how health care is paid for in the US, how green technologies are supported. Threats big and small make the world's news, and and on a smaller scale, ripple through lesser known communities and personal lives.

In times like this when a sense of uncertainty and the limitations of mortality are impacting governments and individuals around the globe, it's normal to feel unsettled in our own lives. It's as if the atmosphere we exist in and the ground we stand on is suddenly shifting. Reality is unreal, and unreliable.

The least helpful thing to do in such times is to dwell in questions such as: what's going on? what if that could happen to me? how can I be protected? when will everything be good again?

What we all seek, I think, is an unassailable sense of inner peace. We universally want to feel safe and secure, able to meet the challenges life throws at us, and know in advance that whatever happens, we'll be okay in the end. This is a basic human need.

So how do we get there? I think there are two essential questions that lead to creating or recovering inner peace are:

• What do I have that can never be taken from me without my consent (my skills, beliefs, attitudes, etc)?
• What are the positives I know I can count on, without any doubt? (my knowledge, my abilities, my supports)
  

These two questions invite taking an inventory of the factors that create and maintain resilience. When we have resilience, we have options. And when we have options, we can make opportunities for positive change.

Your coaching question for today is: What factors build and maintain my resilience, and how can I strengthen them?

Asking for What You Need

I bet you thought that title meant asking other people to help you get what you need. And sure, it's good to be able to do that. But what I want to offer today is asking yourself for what you need -- asking more of yourself, holding yourself more accountable, or to a higher standard than you have been.

And maybe, in some cases, asking less, or asking for different things than you have been demanding -- for example: less work, more play or sleep; less uber-responsibility, more boundary keeping; less excuses-making, more critical analysis and problem solving; etc.

So have you taken an inventory recently of what you are asking of yourself? No? I'd like to recommend that you take an undistracted, unpressured,15 minutes today to take a head to toe, inside outside look at what you are giving yourself and if it's really what you need for the happiest, most confident and successful life.

Here are some prompter questions to use in your self-awareness process:

1. Do you insist on thinking positive, non-judgmental thoughts that move you forward towards your goals?
2. Are your beliefs, assumptions and perceptions binding you to negativity and sabotage, or freeing you for joy, new possibilities, and necessary risk-taking?
3. Do you give yourself opportunities for openheartedness and lovingkindness every day?
4. Are you fueling your body with immune and energy boosting nutrients, and getting enough sleep and exercise?
5. Do you recognize emotions as transitory flavors of experience and put them in proper perspective?
6. Can you let go of hurts, angers, fears, and reframe your viewpoint of what's possible in any situation?
   
7. Will you give yourself time to think twice before reacting, and respond quickly rather than procrastinating?
8. Do you have a gratitude practice, or a way to be grounded and authentic to your true self and inner playful child?
9. Is your personal support system toxic -- overcritical, doubting and discounting you -- or are they really on your side, providing encouragement, motivation?
   

Is it time to commit to changing what you ask of yourself? What will you ask for today?

Varieties of Self-Sabotage

Are you aware of how many ways you have of sabotaging yourself? Ever given this a thought?

I haven't taken a count lately, but I bet most of us have a kind of mental / emotional / behavioral backpack full of self-sabotaging habits. As I think back over the years of coaching and counseling clients to release worry, let go of guilt and shame, re-purpose stress, and achieve greater happiness and bigger goals, I've seen an infinite variety of very creative ways that we all shoot ourselves in the foot from time to time. The ones I've seen most often are:

• impulsively reacting on an emotion without thinking it through or getting more information
• clinging to destructive ideas of pride or honor, and needing to be "right" about your view of "reality"
  
• making unilateral decisions that effect others without making them aware of your perception that a problem or need exists, and the things you considered before reaching the decision
• conversely, asking permission and taking advice from too many different people before having a clear idea of what goal you are trying to achieve for yourself
  
• letting emotion dictate thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, perceptions, and behaviors
• allowing fear of rejection or disapproval persuade you into withdrawing requests for what you need and want
  
• going to the wrong well when trying to get your needs met -- some wells are dry, or filled with unhealthy water
• indulging fears and illusions by both giving up too early and hanging on too long

Do you find any of your favorite forms of self-sabotage in this list?

Often our own personal growth can only occur when we take some risks. The first step in a growth process is to take the risk of seeing yourself clearly -- what commitments do you keep to yourself and others, and how can you do better? Hold yourself accountable to self-growth, instead of being run by self-sabotage.

The second step is to take the risk of doing one thing differently today and tomorrow and the next day -- identify your favorite or most frequently used sabotaging habit, and do the opposite for a growthful change.

There's nothing more freeing and empowering than taking the small risks that help move your forward toward your goals, whether those goals are in personal life, in business, or in relationships.

So tell me, what will you commit to doing differently today?

Is the SM phenom changing relationships for the better?

Have you joined the social media (SM) revolution? Are you noticing any downside in the quality of communication in your in-person friendships? Is the cyber-world sabotaging deeper relationships of more substance?

As I get more and more involved with Twitter, and some of the other social media sites, I'm certainly in contact now with many more people ever before. There's something seductive about people from other parts of the world who I've never heard of wanting to befriend me. That's heady stuff for one who possibly has a touch of social anxiety for regular real-time networking. LOL.

But I'm also noticing that my closest relationships are developing a chronic lack of meaningful interaction, as snippets of cyber-connection replace phone calls and lovely lunches, casual meetings at Starbucks, or walks in the park. The truth is, without the meaningfulness of live, in depth conversation and frequent in-person interaction, something important is lost, and connection corrodes.

If you're noticing more irritability, agitation, silence, aggression, argument, conflict and other signs of relational dissatisfaction in friendships and with family, it's possible that they are simply trying to make bids for feeling reconnected with you -- however inelegant those behaviors may be.

Is it time to take a break from your cyber pals and rekindle the old fashioned friendships that may be languishing?

Anatomy of Confidence

I've been thinking a lot about self-confidence lately, wondering to what degree it is a learned or innate attitude and behavior. Here's where my thoughts are at the moment. Would love to hear yours.

Confidence starts with feeling safe. It's an outcome of knowing and trusting that we will be okay, no matter what. It's therefore directly tied to the amount of resilience one has after going through devastating set-backs.

Confidence also requires being able to be vulnerable, which sounds like it would be the opposite of feeling safe, but isn't. Being vulnerable is the ability to admit to being mistaken and not feel shame about that.

Confidence grows with the ability to be open and humble when having been wrong and know you can take care of yourself if others can't be gracious enough to listen and help you process through it, or when they aim to hurt you with your less-than-perfectness and their superiority complex.

In my mind, there's a lot of ego-centered, need-to-be-right, brash, impulsive, arrogant opinions and behavior that are confused with confidence. True self-confidence doesn't need to put others down, or point out their short-comings. Those are learned defense mechanisms that serve to block the development of real confidence (not to mention the growth of spiritual self-awareness).

True self-confidence is like the love spoken of in a familiar Bible passage: it is patient and kind, doesn't envy or brag, doesn't get puffed up with false pride. In other words, it's an inside job of being calm and centered in storm and sunshine alike.

How are you exhibiting true confidence today?

Fear is good

What? What do you mean, fear is good?

Fear is a mind-body-spirit communication intended to keep us safe. Fear tells us to flee from the tiger, fight off the mugger, or freeze all your financial accounts when you suspect identity theft. Those are the right actions for the circumstances. Fear is just the kick start.

Fear is helpful when we respond as it intends us to -- with rapid critical thinking assessment of the situation and our capabilities.

Fear runs amok when we react to it emotionally -- with hypervigilence, panic, unnecessary defensiveness, anger, or hiding.

Long ago a book came out with the title: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I find my counseling and coaching clients who try to follow that prescription get stuck in being afraid of feeling fearful. Afraid of feeling. As if feeling itself were the problem.

Feeling is only the messenger. The message is: decide what you need to do, trust your ability to do it or get the assistance you need, and take action now. The magic of that formula is that the more we apply it, the less fearful of fear we become.

A Key to Undoing Self-Sabotage

How's your life going? Got everything flowing smoothly? Getting everything you want or expect from all the effort you're making?

No? Hmmm. When we feel like we're spinning our wheels, hitting a glass ceiling, or running into roadblocks, we need to step back and take a hard critical look at three factors:

• what specifically is not working the way we think is should
• how are our own actions, thoughts, beliefs, or feelings getting in the way
  
• where exactly do we have leverage (opportunity+control) for making something shift

From a coaching perspective, self-sabotage is simply the application of the least effective tool or process for the desired goal. It's not a moral failing; it's just being in a pattern that isn't working.

But before we can assess the three critical factors, the key to undoing self-sabotage is to let go of all attachment to continuing to do things the way we've always done them. And the attachment to any belief that if we just keep doing what we've always done that someday, somehow, something will magically change.

You know the definition of crazy?

Doing the same thing that doesn't work over and over and over again, and expecting a different result.

Why be stuck in crazy when a little coaching can provide you with new tools, help you customize new processes, and give you enthusiastic support to get your life flowing smoothly, and get back on track for getting what you want.

Yesterday Saturn -- the astrological indicator of karma, discipline and structure, and building for the long haul -- came out of its 5+ month, low energy / depressive / introspective funk to return confidence and commitment to those willing to work hard on their path toward success.

Saturn promotes commitment (self-accountability) and endurance in manifesting our dreams. This is THE astrological energy that reinforces a sense of responsibility in order to gain wisdom from experience and effort in a one step at a time manner.

But there is also an element of taking great leaps forward with Saturn, especially in business when inner confidence, spirit, strength, compassion for and understanding of one's Self are engaged.

I'm newly seeing Saturn as the quintessential coaches planet or indicator because of our focus on structures, accountability, wisdom from experience, direction, resilience, and moving through fear -- all features of Saturn energy in an astrology chart.

Saturn is the ruler of my Sun sign, so it's no wonder I've been atrracted to coaching as a profession.

A colleague has been encouraging me to combine my work as an astrologer with my coaching services. I think she's right.

~ Deah Curry, CPC
Astrologically Coaching You In Manifesting Your Destiny :)