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Sometimes I think we resist when we should surrender, and we go with the flow when we should take more control. It's like somehow our sense of right action with right timing is backwards.
This backwardness, I think, is part of what makes the unexpected setback so devastating to so many people.
As a coaching challenge, the question is: What if you could take a different approach to setbacks? What might be three ways to take advantage when an unexpected situation arises?
The Stop, Drop and Roll Approach
Yes, I know, that's the advice for when your clothing has caught on fire. But it applies here, I think. When a setback strikes, what if you:
- stop trying to do things the way we've always done them,
- drop back a step or two to get the bigger picture of what's newly possible, and then
- roll in the direction the energy is already moving?
The Lemonade Approach
You know, as in, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Setbacks are often unsweetened, acidic, and souring to the normalcy of accustomed daily routines. What if you:
- add some sugar -- which might be in the form of more time, less spending, more self-care, less pressure, etc
- stir until blended -- meaning, mix new resources and techniques into daily life until habituated
- drink until satisfied -- that is, let this new approach become a sweeter way of life
The Fly Around the Dragon Approach
Okay, yes, that's a Harry Potter Tri-Wizard champion reference. A setback can be like a great big, fire breathing obstacle between you and the golden egg of your goals. It's scary and fierce, and liable to bite you in two ('cause you is crunchy and good with ketchup. LOL). But what if you follow Harry's approach:
- accio Firebolt -- that is, access your best natural talent, and jump on with extreme gusto
- keep your eye on the prize -- meaning, despite distractions, don't lose sight of your goals
- stay on your broom -- which is your action plan, because moving forward is what works, being still is fatal
- course correct as needed -- small necessary changes can get you closer to success with less danger
- don't give in to fear -- operate on instinct and solid learning without second guessing yourself
Being creative is not about being able to sing, dance, paint, or write. It's not even so much about innate talent, although that helps.
Being creative is a essentially a mental process, fueled by emotional passion, and sustained by sheer determination and persistence. But it's the mental process that's the key.
The mental process of creativity is all in your perspective. It's basically a way of seeing possibilities that most can't see -- from a different angle or new viewpoint. It's asking yourself what if.
- What if I come at this problem from the opposite direction?
- What could be uncovered if I take 3 steps back and see the bigger picture?
- What if this worked differently, or produced a different result -- what would be needed to do that?
Whether in business or in life, often being creative grows from asking what's not being done. Or from wondering how could I do that better, easier, with less effort and time, or more payoff. The seeds of creativity lie in questioning things as they are, and wondering how else they could be.
And then, once the questions point you in a direction to explore, being creative is in having the motivation or courage to pursue the adventure of finding out.
Your life coaching questions for today are: Look at one common household item today that you normally take for granted. What else can you do with it? Can you brainstorm 10 new uses for this item?
It's been an unusual few weeks. Celebrities who shaped or contributed to generations of global pop culture have died. Revolution is trying to take hold not only in Iran, but also in how health care is paid for in the US, how green technologies are supported. Threats big and small make the world's news, and and on a smaller scale, ripple through lesser known communities and personal lives.
In times like this when a sense of uncertainty and the limitations of mortality are impacting governments and individuals around the globe, it's normal to feel unsettled in our own lives. It's as if the atmosphere we exist in and the ground we stand on is suddenly shifting. Reality is unreal, and unreliable.
The least helpful thing to do in such times is to dwell in questions such as: what's going on? what if that could happen to me? how can I be protected? when will everything be good again?
What we all seek, I think, is an unassailable sense of inner peace. We universally want to feel safe and secure, able to meet the challenges life throws at us, and know in advance that whatever happens, we'll be okay in the end. This is a basic human need.
So how do we get there? I think there are two essential questions that lead to creating or recovering inner peace are:
- What do I have that can never be taken from me without my consent (my skills, beliefs, attitudes, etc)?
- What are the positives I know I can count on, without any doubt? (my knowledge, my abilities, my supports)
These two questions invite taking an inventory of the factors that create and maintain resilience. When we have resilience, we have options. And when we have options, we can make opportunities for positive change.
Your coaching question for today is: What factors build and maintain my resilience, and how can I strengthen them?
Are you aware of how many ways you have of sabotaging yourself? Ever given this a thought?I haven't taken a count lately, but I bet most of us have a kind of mental / emotional / behavioral backpack full of self-sabotaging habits. As I think back over the years of coaching and counseling clients to release worry, let go of guilt and shame, re-purpose stress, and achieve greater happiness and bigger goals, I've seen an infinite variety of very creative ways that we all shoot ourselves in the foot from time to time. The ones I've seen most often are:
- impulsively reacting on an emotion without thinking it through or getting more information
- clinging to destructive ideas of pride or honor, and needing to be "right" about your view of "reality"
- making unilateral decisions that effect others without making them aware of your perception that a problem or need exists, and the things you considered before reaching the decision
- conversely, asking permission and taking advice from too many different people before having a clear idea of what goal you are trying to achieve for yourself
- letting emotion dictate thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, perceptions, and behaviors
- allowing fear of rejection or disapproval persuade you into withdrawing requests for what you need and want
- going to the wrong well when trying to get your needs met -- some wells are dry, or filled with unhealthy water
- indulging fears and illusions by both giving up too early and hanging on too long
Do you find any of your favorite forms of self-sabotage in this list?
Often our own personal growth can only occur when we take some risks. The first step in a growth process is to take the risk of seeing yourself clearly -- what commitments do you keep to yourself and others, and how can you do better? Hold yourself accountable to self-growth, instead of being run by self-sabotage.
The second step is to take the risk of doing one thing differently today and tomorrow and the next day -- identify your favorite or most frequently used sabotaging habit, and do the opposite for a growthful change.
There's nothing more freeing and empowering than taking the small risks that help move your forward toward your goals, whether those goals are in personal life, in business, or in relationships.
So tell me, what will you commit to doing differently today?
I've been thinking a lot about self-confidence lately, wondering to what degree it is a learned or innate attitude and behavior. Here's where my thoughts are at the moment. Would love to hear yours.
Confidence starts with feeling safe. It's an outcome of knowing and trusting that we will be okay, no matter what. It's therefore directly tied to the amount of resilience one has after going through devastating set-backs.
Confidence also requires being able to be vulnerable, which sounds like it would be the opposite of feeling safe, but isn't. Being vulnerable is the ability to admit to being mistaken and not feel shame about that.
Confidence grows with the ability to be open and humble when having been wrong and know you can take care of yourself if others can't be gracious enough to listen and help you process through it, or when they aim to hurt you with your less-than-perfectness and their superiority complex.
In my mind, there's a lot of ego-centered, need-to-be-right, brash, impulsive, arrogant opinions and behavior that are confused with confidence. True self-confidence doesn't need to put others down, or point out their short-comings. Those are learned defense mechanisms that serve to block the development of real confidence (not to mention the growth of spiritual self-awareness).
True self-confidence is like the love spoken of in a familiar Bible passage: it is patient and kind, doesn't envy or brag, doesn't get puffed up with false pride. In other words, it's an inside job of being calm and centered in storm and sunshine alike.
How are you exhibiting true confidence today?
What? What do you mean, fear is good?
Fear is a mind-body-spirit communication intended to keep us safe. Fear tells us to flee from the tiger, fight off the mugger, or freeze all your financial accounts when you suspect identity theft. Those are the right actions for the circumstances. Fear is just the kick start.
Fear is helpful when we respond as it intends us to -- with rapid critical thinking assessment of the situation and our capabilities.
Fear runs amok when we react to it emotionally -- with hypervigilence, panic, unnecessary defensiveness, anger, or hiding.
Long ago a book came out with the title: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I find my counseling and coaching clients who try to follow that prescription get stuck in being afraid of feeling fearful. Afraid of feeling. As if feeling itself were the problem.
Feeling is only the messenger. The message is: decide what you need to do, trust your ability to do it or get the assistance you need, and take action now. The magic of that formula is that the more we apply it, the less fearful of fear we become.
The essence of coaching, I think, is in helping clients reframe perspectives that no longer serve your highest purpose or greatest need. Often that will call into question ways of thinking and feeling that you have held as true or real. For some, re-ordering these beliefs can be temporarily unsettling.
Truth and reality have many levels and colors. As children, many of us were taught that there is only one Truth, and one Reality. As we grow into adults we learn that what was presented to us as the one Truth or Reality was our parents’ or society’s explanation, but that what was unknown when they formed their truth and reality has since been replaced or augmented by new knowledge.
If we’re lucky to be well educated or if we are naturally open to the process of critically thinking for ourselves, we easily reframe the perspectives about truth and reality we’ve been taught in our early years.
But if we’re committed to sustaining a certain explanation, it’s much harder to reframe old, outmoded, dysfunctional views into new, more growthful, more healthy perspectives.
In coaching, we ask: what belief or assumption are you committed that might no longer be the version of truth you want to invest in? What reality have you been committed to that you now see has to change?
Change itself necessarily implies that there is an old version of reality and a potentially new one, an old truth and a new one. If this were not so, there could never be any change at all.
Growth by it’s very nature is change.
What is the central truth you are committed to right now? How does that commitment shape your choices, your current reality? How might you need to change that explanation of truth in order to have the choices and reality you really want?
